Monday, June 5, 2017

Leaves of three, don't wipe with me

The following is something I wrote six years ago. At the time, Erica forbade me from putting it on my blog. Due to recent events, she has now approved its publication.

You should see my wife’s ass.  No, really.  You should.  You’d be horrified.  It started back in May when we were doing a speed workout on the high school running track near our home.  She had to use the woods for some private business and there were no paper products available for clean-up.  So, she looked around and found some largish leaves she could use.  Being no fool, she first made sure the leaves were not from a poison ivy plant, because THAT would be a terrible mistake to make.

Butt, it turns out, not as terrible as the mistake she did end up making. 

This is from the Wikipedia entry titled “Poison Sumac”:

“In terms of its potential to cause urushiol-induced contact dermatitis, poison sumac is far more virulent than its relatives poison ivy and poison oak. According to some botanists, poison sumac is the most toxic plant species in the United States (Frankel, 1991). The poison shows itself in painful and long-continued swellings and eruptions.”

It was bad and forced her to the Urgent Care Clinic to get the pus-filled, oozing blisters on her ass checked out.  The medical staff at the clinic were impressed; they were also kind enough not to laugh in my wife’s face.  I have had a hard time not being a total wise-ass about the whole thing, but I do love her and don’t want her to feel bad about a split-second decision she made in the heat of the movement—er, moment.

Ass if that’s not bad enough, just two days ago there was another bum-related incident I feel compelled to include.  Erica has been running a lot and working hard to be in the best shape of her life.  In pursuit of this goal she has ordered an exercise program for the both of us.  It consists of 12 workouts on 12 discs, each focusing on a different muscle group or type of exercise.  Erica did the abdominal workout recently and ended up with AEBI—Another EmbarASSing Butt Injury.

We are staying in the basement guestroom of her Grandpa’s house and the carpet is a little rough.  Well, Erica put on her running gear and did the workout all-out, with crunches and sit-ups and twisting stretches and all sorts of ab-strengthening yet ass-frictioning exercises.  And, in the end, she rubbed a raw patch right at the top of what we affectionately refer to as her butt-cleavage.  It is ugly.  As we were leaving a family get-together yesterday I had to point out to her the ooze from her butt-blister had stained her skirt.

Yes, you should see my wife’s ass.  And then you should erase the image from your mind as fast as you can.